Should You Speak With Your Ex After The Breakup

Banuel Dogayman
3 min readMay 2, 2021


There’s a question people always ask themselves after a breakup. Should you speak with your ex? The answer is simple. You shouldn’t speak with your ex. But I know it’s hard to do it and it’s even harder to do it when you don’t understand why it’s a bad idea. I want to explain why the best thing you can is to stop talking with your ex.

Your mind works with associations. For example, when I say “summer”, you maybe think of the sun or the beach. When you see an image or listen to a song it can remind you of certain things and bring a lot of memories. It can be happy moments of your life, sad ones, natural ones. The same will happen with your ex and the breakup. Things will remind you of the past. Maybe songs, maybe images, maybe things you do.

When you speak with your ex, you will think more about them. It’s hard to forget someone when he’s in your head all the time. It’s hard to let go of the feelings when you still seeing that person or still speaking with him. Your goal is to ease your healing process and as long as you continue talking with your ex, things will be harder for you.

Another reason why it’s better to stop all the contact is that you have a new life now. I know you didn’t want it and you didn’t choose it. But right now, you and your ex aren’t together anymore. It doesn’t matter who is guilty, who decided to let go. What’s important now is to make you a happy person again. In order to do it, you have to work on yourself.

When you speak with your ex, you don’t accept the new reality, you don’t accept the fact that your ex isn’t a part of your life anymore. You have to let go of old habits and get used to your new life where your ex doesn’t exist. It hurts a lot I know, but the faster you accept the reality, the faster you will heal.

Sometimes you don’t have the ability to stop talking or seeing that person. Maybe you’re at the same work, maybe you have children or maybe you live close to each other. In such cases, your goal is to try to reduce the contact as much as possible. It means that if you have children speak only about them, don’t dive into other subjects. If you’re at the same work, speak only about professional stuff and nothing else. Ask your ex to respect you and to not send you messages anymore about things they don’t to.

To move on the fastest possible you should avoid any contact with your ex. This means you have to block their number, block them from Facebook, or wherever you see them. Of course, only if you don’t have to speak with them. Also, a good idea can be to hide all the gifts and images they gave you. You don’t have to throw them all away but at least hide them.

I know it’s really hard to do all the things I described and maybe it feels childish and can make you feel guilty. But in your situation, it’s time to think about yourself and your future and how to rebuild yourself. Being friends with your ex or speaking with them will just make the way to your happiness longer and harder. You have to decide between yourself and them and I believe that it’s time to think about yourself.

It doesn’t mean you have to hate your ex, the fact you don’t talk with them anymore is just to ease your pain and let your heart get used to the new situation. Maybe in the future when time passes and the feelings disappear, you will be a friend of your ex. But right now, there’s only one right thing to do and it’s to stay away from them if possible.

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Banuel Dogayman

I share my learning journey of finding medicine for a broken heart. Join my facebook group: